Divorce Recovery By Patricia Hubbard

Is Your Mother Your Father?

In todays world when 52% of marriages end in divorce, that question is not really that strange.

Considering that, when some fathers abandon their children or worse, will not admit paternity, this in fact, a reality.   So if you say "yes" to that question, you owe your mom a Father's Day card or gift.

Some mothers today do serve as both mother and dad, out of necessity. Do they expect a thank you? Probably not. Working a job, caring for their children, doing household chores, paying the bills, leaving work to attend to a sick child at school, on and on, the responsiblities continue.

Take time to appreciate your mom who is a dad also.

10 Almost Free Ways To Please Your Daddy/Mom

Think of the ways you can make life a little easier for her, begin by helping around the house.

1. Do the dishes

2. Clean your room

3. Wash the dirty dishes

4. Cut the grass

5. Clean the car

6. Make her sit down and soak her feet

7. If you know how, give her a pedicure

8. If you can cook, serve her breakfast or cook dinner

9. Give her a coupon that she can create with her very own special request on it, then follow through.

10. Give her a special card that shows that you really appreciate her and all her efforts to make your life the best she can.

Imagine the unexpected surprise in her eyes when you present her with a Father's Day card or a gift!Make every day Mother/Father's Day.

 

Mother’s Day Special Gifts, You Can Make Her Day Special for Little Money but Lots of Love

By Patricia Hubbard

 

This is not just for divorced mothers, but they will be especially appreciative of your efforts. Divorced moms need special handling, but then all moms do, so check it out.

 

Mother’s Day is upon us and you may be still wondering what to get for your mom that will please her. Take it from a mom of six, it’s the gifts you create that make her heart sing, again and again.  You say you are not creative?  It doesn’t matter!

 

When my children were small I always appreciated the cards they worked so long over in private. I couldn’t help but listen to their giggling and hearing them saying things like: “Mom you can’t come in here!” and then the voices from behind the closed door, saying such things as: “Mom’s really going to loove this one!”  It just tickled my soul.  When they presented them to me, I could have won an Academy Award for my act of “surprise and appreciation” for their dedicated labors.

 

Gifts that cost money couldn’t have pleased me more.  It’s the same today, only I am a widow now.  My needs have changed.  My children send flowers, take me out to dinner or buy a gift they think is appropriate.  But, the things I appreciate the most at my age, are  that they cut my grass or clean my yard or fix a leaky toilet. They do things that need to be done without my having to ask. 

 

Dads, you can do this, too.

 

The gift I remember giving my mom before she died at 93 was one she really appreciated and it didn’t cost a cent.

 

A Family Project

 

I chose my prettiest clear glass vase with a wide opening. My brothers and sister and I got together and chose little slips of colorful paper. On them we wrote “I remember when Mom and I” …and each one filled in some sweet, funny or special memories of them and our mom. Each one wrote as many as they wanted until we had a stack of memories written on the papers. We folded the papers in quarters and put them in the vase.  The colored paper looked very pretty in the vase.  We put a ribbon on the vase, tied it into a big bow and wrapped it in tissue paper. We tied it with another curly bow with streamers on it. One could use a pretty box bought at the Dollar Store if money is an issue.

 

Mom looked a little puzzled at first when we presented it to her, but as she began to read the memories, her face radiated with smiles and excitement as the memories were tweaked. We told her she didn’t have to read them all at one time, but could finish the next time she became lonely or down. She chose to keep some for later.  We had as much fun as she did remembering the events each one had put on the notes. We had a recorder running while she opened and read the notes, thereby keeping the memories for posterity.

 

The Options Are Endless

 

One could change the note to read:  “I love you Mom because…” Or when I grow up or get married I want to be just like you because…”   The options are as large as the individuals.

 

We have given her coupons for a trip to the Hair Stylist or a visit to one of her favorite cousins or siblings, and promised to be the one to take her.  A coupon for a pedicure or massage would be a great surprise.

 

Elderly mothers sometimes would prefer to stay home, as to go out because of physical disabilities, so bringing a meal to her or a casserole that could be put into the freezer until it was wanted would be much appreciated. Placing the food in smaller, single serving containers would make the treat last longer.  My mom loved cheese cake, so on each special occasion, she got her own whole, home made, cheese cake which she cut into individual slices and put them in her freezer for later.  Treats that last longer than the day of celebration are special and always remembered and so is the giver.

 

Don’t Forget To Say Thank You

 

Thank your mom for having you, a special poem or letter written just for Mom, for putting up with you when you were an edgy teenager, for all the heartache you caused and for always supporting you in all your endeavors.  A simple Thank You and a hug to go with it will send her endorphins soaring. Soaring endorphins are a healthy state of being.

 

 Love your mom.

Someone please tell me...

Someone please tell me how does this happen?
I was given the following tinyurl  http://tinyurl.com/cv3svy while on twitter.

I innocently added it to my Yahoo signature meaning that anyone who received an email from me could click on it and it should have led them to  http://www.examiner.com/x-3961-Norfolk-Divorce-Support-Examiner  a site where I write for the local online newspaper.

Imagine my surprise when I clicked on it and found that it led to a foreign language, porn site!
How embarrassing! Needless to say I eliminated that url quickly on my email signature.
I complained to Twitter and am still waiting for a response. I assume they are investigating.
If anyone who has navigated to that site, I must apologize to you, but know that I had nothing to do with that fiasco.

Now, down to brass tacks...Connie Ragen Green has shamed me into posting more to this site, God Bless Her! I have had many excuses, but I admit it is mostly laziness. I'll behave now, ha.

If you would just respond to me, ask me a question, ask me to help you to solve a problem pertaining to your divorce or how to recover from a divorce. I am only here to help. If I hear no requests, I will assume that  you have all solved all of your problems.

Till next time, askpat!

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE ATTACKING VACUUM CLEANER

By Patricia Hubbard

Because writers can become a bit of a hermit in nature, writing, writing, writing, diverting one’s attention to another endeavor can be a life saver. Sitting in front of my computer has caused weight gain, circulation problems and made me an obsessive, determined, goal oriented, grump.

Knowing this, I chose to force myself to find an alternative “hobby.” I chose ceramics.  This proved to make me get up and move, pouring slip into the molds, lifting the heavy molds, and cleaning up my messes. That equated to exercise.

I am telling you all this because it leads up to a story about the attack of the vacuum cleaner. I know you are saying what does a vacuum cleaner have to do with my title mentioning abuse? Hang in there, I will explain

Since both of my Instructor’s helpers were ill on this particular Wednesday, I offered to help her in any way that I could… more exercise.  She asked if I would vacuum out the three large kilns we would be using shortly. I obliged. 

I am five feet two inches tall. The tops of the kilns are about chest level to me, so needless to say, I had to stretch to get the cleaning tool to the bottom of the kiln. I set the small vacuum on the top edge of the kiln which put it at face-level, with me. The job was a little difficult because of my size, but I was managing, until my head bumped against the open lid. Reflex action caused me to jerk my head, resulting in my face banging up against a knob on the vacuum cleaner.

Ouch! My cheekbone screamed in pain.

I managed to finish the job and return to our work area.  As I emerged from the kiln room, my Instructor asked, “What’s wrong with your face?” another person asked, “How did you get that bruise on your face?” and another, “Your face is red and there is a big bruise on it.”

This was getting embarrassing.  I said, matter-of-factly, “The vacuum did it!”

Wrong answer!  I knew they were thinking how could a vacuum bruise one’s face?  Was I on the floor? How did a vacuum come in contact with my face?

So the explanations began over and over to my fellow-ceramics buddies. One was giving me a piece of ice in a paper towel and another scurrying to her car for her emergency kit. How mortifying!

This old face has learned its lesson; keep your face clear of a vacuum cleaner, regardless of its size. They bite!

So, what does this little story have to do with abusive relationships?

As the leader of a support group for divorced and separated folks, some of whom emerge from abusive relationships, I had heard my share of spousal abuse stories. My compassion and understanding was renewed for them by my recent experienced with the “abusive” vacuum cleaner.

Surely, an abused person sporting bruises must feel attacked again when someone is trying to show compassion.  They either make an excuse to cover for their abuser or in a few cases will tell the truth.  Telling the truth brings with it a certain amount of shame that it has happened to them.

Questions continue, “Why are you still with your abuser?”  “Did you call the police?”   “Why didn’t you?” “You should…”etc.

Then there are the looks that imply “What is wrong with you?” “Are you sick or something?” We humans sometimes, have a tendency to blame the abused person without meaning to, but the damage is already done. When you hear of an abused friend or relative, think of this little story and know that concern can turn to secondary pain.  Not what is intended, of course! Listen with compassion and not judgment. Offer support and suggest a way out of a horrendous situation.

If you have been the recipient of abuse, you may be shaking your head, “No one understands the fear, the shame, the feeling that you caused it. An abused person suffers from a loss of self-esteem. Some may actually feel they did deserve that type of treatment. That is what abusers do; they manage to train their victim to believe they, themselves, are the cause of the abuse.

Sporting bruises stir up emotions that most of us never understand.

If you are the recipient of abuse do not suffer any longer. Seek the help of an abuse support group, a family doctor, or spiritual advisor. Leaving an abuser must be done with a plan, and utmost privacy or the abuser may become enraged and do more damage

For information and support, call:

National Abuse Hotline at: 1-888-289-2102

Virginia state number at 1-804-694-5890

Local number at 1-800-969-4673

Learn more on how to remove yourself from the dangerous situation of spousal abuse.

Check out this site for more ideas of how to get away from your abuser.

Thanksgiving? Gratitude? Why Should I Be Thankful, When I'm Hurting So Badly?

There is a Hasidic parable about the power of thankfulness and gratitude:

Once two poor farmers were walking down a country road, when they met a Hasidic Rabbi. He asked the first man how things were.

"Lousy!" he grumbled, bemoaning his lot and lack, "Terrible, hard, awful; not worth getting out of bed for. Life is lousy."

Now the Lord God was eavesdropping on this conversation, and the Lord said:
"You think your life is lousy now, you ungrateful lout. I'll show you what lousy is!"

Then the Rabbi turned to the second man, "And you my friend?"
"Ah, Rabbi-life is good. God is so gracious, so generous. Each morning when I awaken, I'm so grateful for the gift of another day, for I know, rain or shine, it will unfold in wonder and blessings too bountiful to count. Life is so good."

God smiled as the second man's Thanksgiving soared upwards until it became one with the harmony of the heavenly hosts.
Then the Almighty roared with delighted laughter: "Good? You think your life is good now? I'll show you what good is!"

WHICH OF THESE TWO GENTLEMEN WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO IDENTIFY WITH?

(Could the following be thoughts that roam through your mind?)

"What do I have to be thankful for? My lover is gone. I'm alone and lonely. Nothing is the same. My 'friends' do not seem to really care besides I'm just a 3rd thumb now. They are all married, dating or they have their own life to live. Regardless of how caring they sound, I just do not fit into the social puzzle anymore.

Where do I fit in? Being single and free is not what I thought it would be. Instead of less responsibility, there is more. Instead of freedom, it feels like a wall of bricks has fallen on me.

Where do I start moving this burden off of me? Can I?

The loneliness is sometimes unbearable even in a crowd. It feels like a part of me has been chopped off. I'm no longer whole. I feel so helpless, so useless."....

Sound familiar?

Celebrations such as Thanksgiving and Christmas can be a source of loneliness, bring memories of what used to be and make it just another day to get through. Ignoring the meaning of the day, just pretending to wonder what all the hype is about, seems reasonable to some single people.

Becoming single by divorce or due to the death of a spouse, generates changes in attitude, changes in financial, emotional, social and personal conditions. Resentment overtakes gratitude. Some changes are not always easy and it certainly does not seem to be a time to feel thankful. So, why should a day like Thanksgiving or Christmas evoke feelings of thankfulness and gratitude?

Finding gratitude in the midst of a sense of loss

It takes courage to be thankful in the midst of lack and suffering, but where does one begin? How does one find gratitude in the middle of anger, loneliness and fear?

Find the "little things "to appreciate

Gratitude is paying attention and being joyful for "the little things," even when you are alone or... because, you are alone.

Gratitude is choosing to look for the "upside" of your pain. It may surprise you, when you discover you can get past the downside.

Try little steps: making a list of some of the good things in your life may help.

Be grateful and say "Thank you" for:

1. Your children of divorce, (if you have them) who have been through almost as much pain as have you, during this trying time, and yet they still love.

2. The smell of roses or a fresh Christmas tree or golden, red and brown autumn leaves that crunch beneath your feet.

3. The smile of a stranger (a smile recognizes you as an individual, a person, special, if only for a minute.)

4. The joy you see in the eyes of a person you just did an unexpected favor for.

5. Your home, when you shut the door to intense heat or the burdensome cold of the outside world.

6. Leftovers or that pre-cooked dinner, so you did not have to cook when you came home from work, totally exhausted

7. Your cat or dog that will always be happy to see you, even if friends fail you.

8. The welcoming comfort of your bed at night or a warm shower.

9. The peace of quiet time, alone. (Sometimes that time is found only in the bathroom.) Make a rule that when Mom/Dad is in the bathroom, no one knocks on the door unless it is a bonefide emergency!  Demand it!

10. The quiet of the night and if you really listen, you can feel the presence of God in the darkened room...waiting, just waiting for you to tell Him all of your pain, your longings, your hopes and dreams. He wants to hear you say, "Thank You for my day, good, bad and in-between."

Time alone gives you focus, teaches you that there can be joy in the quiet. When God's Presence slips in, His comfort helps you to gradually realize that you are blessed! It is up to you to recognize your true blessings and say "Thank You!"

You may be the poorest person alive, but there are many blessings for which to say "Thank You.”  Just spend a little time alone in prayerful thoughts.

YOU NEED DIVORCE CARE, 8 THINGS TO DO TO HELP HEAL YOUR HEART.

You may think your world has ended because you are divorced, but believe me, it may be the beginning of a brand new life. Being divorced is not the end of the world.

When we get married, we all think that it will last forever and when that doesn't materialize we fall into a heap on the floor and ask "Why? Why?"

Asking "why" is part of the beginning of your grief process. Yep, GRIEF! Bet you never thought that divorce causes you to grieve, but it does.

Think about it,
You will grieve the loss of your so-called beloved.
You will grieve the loss of your future together.
You will grieve the loss of your home environment as you know it.
You will grieve the loss of some of your friends.
You will grieve the loss of your lifestyle.
And you will even grieve the loss of your pet if it went along with the leaver.
You may even have to go back to work if you can't make it financially, alone. More grief!

YOU NEED DIVORCE CARE. Things you can do to care for yourself.

1. Recognizing that the leaver did not really love you the way you loved them, is hard. It hurts. It can cause you to doubt your own self-worth. You may begin to feel you will never be loved again. Self-recrimination is common at first, but eventually you will wake up and become ANGRY! Angry at the changes you have been forced to endure because of "the jerk."

2. Go through the anger let it make you strong, help you to realize that you really are a great person and they are the loser. Do not let the anger move into physical retaliation like damaging your Ex's property. You will drop to their level and hate yourself in the morning.

3. Write in a journal all of the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing, similar to letting the steam out of a pressure cooker. This will keep you from "exploding." Introduce yourself to God as your new best friend...I learned to write letters in my journal to my God. I told Him everything that came into my mind, feeling assured that He would forgive whatever anger I expressed in it. After all, He gave us the emotion called anger. He understands, He forgives and He loves us anyway.

4. On a separate page, you can make a running list of all the great things about you as a person. If you have a little trouble at first, be patient, you will eventually begin adding new qualities that you forgot about. The purpose of this is to teach you how to appreciate who and what you really are. Most likely, your self-image has been badly damaged. This is the beginning of changing that.

5. Watch your mental language. Thinking negative thoughts can create negative realities. Mentally slap your mouth when that happens. Change it to a positive thought, even if you do not believe it right now. You will.

6. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "You are a good person and you will rise above this!" Tape a note on the mirror written to yourself, saying something like: You are a good person and you deserve a great life. It is beginning NOW!

7. Join a Support Group for divorced people and make friends of the same sex. Make it someone who you can talk with about your situation and feel as if they understand. Opposite sex friendships are not a good thing right now. You need time to heal if you are to give a whole person to your new friend. You are still broken right now. If you lost your pet, get a new one. Pets are excellent listeners.

8. A FINAL SUGGESTION: TYPE DivorceCare.com into your search engine.  You will find many ways to grow as a single person. It is almost free and you will find local sites where you may join a physical support group. Do not suffer alone!

Divorce is a difficult road to travel, but sharing your feelings with a friend or a support group can be a blessing. When 52% of marriages today fail, you are not alone. Chances are your sharing will be a benefit to the persons you meet there.

Online Thieves On The Loose! Am I Angry!

As a writer, I try to have hope that most people are honest and most people ARE! But there is one individual who pretends to sell ideas and programs to unsuspecting people like me. A name I recognized  pushed a product of an affilliate of his. His name was one I had heard of before on the net, so I plunked down my credit card.

Well guess what? the free DVD and ebooks I paid for were not accessable.  I complained to him and to the owner 3 times.  The answer was that something must be wrong with my computer.  NOT! I tried on two different computers with the same result. All other sites I visited were fine.

I am within an inch of telling you the names of these individuals, but am waiting for the results from my credit card company to see if something can be done.

I will tell you if you want to check up on someone's reputation, first try to type their name in quotes into the Google Search bar. This is something I knew, but failed to check before I bought.  Never again!

When I did check, I was shocked to see that this unsavory, person had 364,000 results, most of them complaints and charges of an internet scam. Wow! talk about "closing the door after the horse has run away."

So my message to you is to check everyone and every company you plan to invest in, on the net.  Not all will be found out, but the repeat offenders will be seen.

This must be a time for me to be tricked, cheated and taken advantage of, because I just discovered another Blogger, Ana, has used one of my copyrighted articles, changed some of it, added links in the middle of a sentence, that had nothing to do with the article, making me look like an idiot.  When I tried to track down the person responsible, I found that they were anonymous.

I am not finished. Google and Blogger will be getting a cyber visit from me in my investigation.

Writing on the net is not as harmless as it appears.  I do so love to share information that helps other people but when soul less individuals think it is okay to steal and break all the rules of sharing information, it causes me to withdraw and just write for my own self, not on the net.

Like my last article, I feel used and abused.  Maybe I should take my own advice and just get out!

Anyone have any suggestions?

ABUSE, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, OR PHYSICAL, SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED

A part of Divorce Recovery is recognizing what went wrong and facing up to the realities of what part we had in the divorce.  PLEASE, no brickbats. This article is only to point out that we need to be aware of what is happening to us and how we can control it.  Sometimes controlling it is getting out of it…

 

Witnessing the results of abuse on clients of our Support Group proves that abuse is an insidious disease. Abuse comes in many forms.

 

The typical abuser can be the church going, suit wearing, smiling, “good guy or gal,” who turns into the evil monster, behind closed doors. Most others will not suspect a thing.

 

Some abusers become the “victim” who need constant attention and will use up their prey’s time, space and air, all for the sake of making their own self happier.

 

Abusers methodically “train” their victims to follow their every beck and call.

They gradually eliminate friends and family members from the inner circle until there are just the two of them in the relationship.

 

It is not just women who are abused.  Women, also, can sometimes be the abusers, believe it or not. A man who is abused will often be too embarrassed to admit he is abused. So it may go on for years before he cries uncle.

 

Sometimes abusers have been known to manipulate the children out of the scene, convinced the “chosen” that the child would be better off with other family members or friends. The end goal is to have his/her “beloved” all to himself/herself. Without any diversions, the abused can devote all of his/her time to him/her.  Isolation is the key.

 

Sometimes the Abused do not know they are being abused.  They convince themselves it is so wonderful to be loved so dearly.

 

As time wears on and they miss friends and loved ones, they may venture out to reconnect with them.  The abuser will be make excuses and cause a running of interference, as a withholding factor.  If that does not satisfy, Anger will result.  That not working, the abuser will become physically forceful, like, holding too tightly or standing menacingly in the abused person’s face.

 

 If the abused still persists, the abuser may create a scenario whereby he/she can cause an argument that seemingly does not have anything to do with the present situation. If they feel they are losing the battle, they may resort to a physical beating. 

 

Of course it will be the fault of the abused. 

 

Their defense is: “See what you made me do?  You made me so mad I couldn’t help myself. This is all your fault, you made me so angry.  Why won’t you listen to me?”

 

The abused is bewildered by this change in personality.  They question their own self as to whether they could be at fault.  They decide to give in so as not to upset the other. This soon becomes a pattern that the abused abides by.  “Keep peace. Behave and you won’t be hurt again,” they console themselves.

 

Of course the abuser is apologetic and professes his/her undying love for the other, and a limp apology is offered, but it, mind you, is still the fault of the abused. Eventually the pattern continues until the abused accepts that they have a flaw and must keep it under control all of the time.  Self-image slowly resolves into a shrinking violet. Their ability to make decisions, create a life of their own, just disappears. A loss of spirit seems evident. Becoming a follower seems more convenient, more safe.  Letting their abusive partner make all of the decisions seems to keep the peace and so it is.

 

If the abused person finds some spunk and shows any kind of individualism the abuser goes on the warpath again.  More anger, more pain, more broken bones, just to keep the abused in stride.

 

Reporting the abuse to the authorities can either land the abuser in jail for a short period of time until a court date is set up. The released abuser can either sweet talk the abused to give up the pursuit of freedom or they may even become more violent and “whip the person into shape” for good.

 

If any of this sounds familiar to you, take these measures in order to protect your future.

 

Until an abused person has had enough and decides to make a break from this emotional, physical prison, they must have a plan to escape and hide from the abuser.  Leaving the area could be the safest move, but if a court date is set up you will have to reappear. Too often spouses are killed or maimed for life after an arrest. So if you plan to remove yourself from this type of relationship, you must plan ahead.

 

Set aside money in a safe place in your name only where you can access it in a hurry.

 

Pack a bag with necessities and clothing for a short period of time. Leave it with a trusted friend and let them know you may be calling on them to set it out for you at an odd time of the night or day.

 

Collect any pertinent paperwork that you will need such as:

Birth certificates yours and your children, if you have any, school papers, credit cards in your name only, insurance policies, health cards and info, marriage certificate, diplomas, passports, bank statements, marital savings accounts info, pictures, anything that you feel will be necessary in establishing a new life.

Store these in a safe, waterproof container, until you need them. Document on paper that you are leaving to save your life. Leave it with a friend or relative for later retrieval.

 

Contact a Safe House

 

You may have to go to the local Library and use their computer to search for local Safe Houses for the abused. Some churches can lead you to proper resources. Explain your situation in case you need temporary housing until you find a permanent home. Contact your Spiritual Advisor and/or a Counselor as soon as you are able.

 

Remember an abuser is very good at talking people into doing his/her bidding.  Just because they are in jail, does not mean they will stay put.  Bail is usually found if they know enough people and you could be in more danger now than before. The police are powerless unless the abuser breaks the law again and if you are not persistent in filing charges, the authorities are powerless.

 

If you are attached to an abuser, it is only a matter of time before you are critically injured.  No one, not even your church, expects you to stay and take physical abuse.  You are a child of God and He does not expect you to stay in an abusive relationship.

A person who will beat you up, break your bones, and diminish you as a person, does NOT love you!  They love being in control of you, body and soul!  Get counsel on when and how to make your move to freedom.

JUST A NOTE

If you choose to visit my Ezine Articles Expert link, and click,(column near bottom right), You could be responsible for my next article. 

Just select another article of mine to read.  In the upper right hand corner of that article, there are selections such as "print this article"  and a few others.  A new selection has been added called "suggest topic." 

If you would suggest another topic that would interest you, and it is in the scope of my expertise, on Divorce or Widowed issues YOU could be the instrument of my next article.  After all, I am writing for you.  Feel free to make suggestions. And THANK YOU.

Patricia Hubbard

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WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I WRITE AN ARTICLE TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO GET A DIVORCE?

I would imagine that those who have read the preceeding article are wondering why I would post such a writing. Believe me, I did not write that to cause my readers to feel worse about their impending divorce, but there are those who have not taken the final step yet.  These are the parents I hoped to reach.

In today's society where divorce is so prevelant, I feel that we must all step back and look at the consequences of our actions.  True, most divorces are at least justified, but many are done in such haste that some divorces could be avoided by some time, some counseling, some forgiveness and understanding.

Yes, I divorced and with good reason, but I spent 19 years doing all the above, before I could come to a final decision. And it was a good one, in the end; hard, but good. All of the hardships mentioned in that article, my children and I waded though, sometimes we were up to our knees in mud, but we made it.  All of us came out better people for it.  But as mentioned it took 19 years for me to come to this decision.  No, I am not suggesting you wait 19 years or even 10. But, what I am suggesting is that each individual be aware of the row boat they are stepping into.  Is there a hole in it?

If you are thinking about divorce, please re-read: ARE THE REALITIES OF A DIVORCE REALLY WORTH IT?

ARE THE REALITIES OF A DIVORCE REALLY WORTH IT?

ARE THE REALITIES OF A DIVORCE REALLY WORTH IT?

 

By Pat Hubbard

 

 

Knowing the ramifications of a divorce, is it really the answer for your family? One need only sit in on one of our Starting Over Support Group sessions to have second thoughts. Barring church-allowed reasons for divorce, divorce is not the answer to unrest in a marriage.  Please, seek spiritual and secular counseling before making that fatal decision that will adversly affect the husband, wife and especially the children.

 

This an article that is in the hope that someone reading it, will have second thoughts about a divorce.  Those of us who are divorced already know the following information.

 

Are you thinking about divorce?  Think again.  Is it really worth it?

 

For anyone who thinks divorce is a free pass to freedom and a carefree, long and happy life, think again!

 

We won’t even speak about the pain resulting when Divorce rears it’s ugly head, issues present themselves that no one should have to contend with, issues such as:

 

Families taking sides, lining up and making comments or threats.

Friends that sometimes pull away when they are put in the position of taking sides and would rather not even to be “involved.”  This is sometimes devastating in addition to the recent loss of being left alone and feeling totally unnecessary.

 

In defense of the “friend,” choosing between two friends can be a very difficult position in which to exist. Choosing to disappear from the scene, seems to be the only option.

 

SOME OF THE RESULTS OF THE DECISION TO DIVORCE:

 

 

The resulting pain, not withstanding, the home environments change…

 

A wife may have to return to work.

A husband may have been supporting the family before, but if he is the “leaver,” he may be forced to take a second job, in order to maintain a new place to live. (Unless the leaver is a fornicator and is planning to mooch off of their co-conspirator, then they deserve each other.)

 

Otherwise, the leaver will have to pay, at a minimum for:

 

• An additional home
• Food
• Utility bills
• Telephone
• Cable
• Insurance
• Taxes
• Maybe an additional vehicle
• Possible childcare costs if he/she has custody when working
• Alimony may be a reality, also.
• And after the spoils are divided up, both will most likely, have half of what they owned before, that means the home entertainment system, the boat, the pool and whatever amenities are important to them.
• Savings will most likely be a non-issue.
• All of these issues can “break the bank.”
• Retirement dreams become a myth!

 

SOMETHING OF NOTE FOR WOMEN:

 

More and more today, if the woman is making a generous amount of money in her chosen position, and her spouse has primary custody, she, not the man, may be charged to pay child support. (The Women’s Rights Movement has come to roost.)

 

HOW CHILDREN ARE AFFECTED

 

Children are affected in many ways, either feeling as if they must choose one parent over the other, then feeling guilty for making that choice. Often one or the other parent will try to sway the child to move in their direction of thinking, causing more stress for the child.  Children most generally love both parents, regardless of their faults. Not having one parent in the picture is foreign to their understanding.

 

Children respond in different ways; some suddenly have failing grades or rebel by traveling with unsavory classmates. Others are unavailable to either parent, become sullen and detached from communicating with the family. They feel out of control and unnecessary because their feelings on the subject of the destruction of their family are a non-issue to everyone but them, it seems. Their sense of self-esteem is diminished almost to the same degree that the “left-behind parent” is feeling.

 

The parent left behind is dealing with anger at the spouse for making such a decision.  They are in pain and bewildered that their marriage vows meant so little to the other.  They may even be angry with God because of the way their life has evolved. Some even dismiss their religion and walk away from their only source of resolve and peace.

 

Regardless of the reasons, divorce is not just about the individual who is making the decision to end a marriage. The whole family is being affected. The children are being divorced also, whether the departing parent realizes it or not. In most cases the visitation may continue, but the children’s daily life is not the same. Their relationship with that parent will forever, be changed!

 

MORE DISRUPTION FOR KIDS:

 

• Schedules will change.
• Standards of living will change.
• Activities will most likely have to be altered, as the left behind parent cannot work and transport children to sports or other after school activities.
• Children will most likely lose friends made in these activities.
• Unnamed sadness will prevail and anger will eventually erupt.
• The child’s image of the departing parent will undoubtedly be tarnished. And fear that the other parent may leave also, will track through his/her mind.
• Incredibly, sometimes children blame themselves for the divorce, think they are bad or have failed the leaving parent in some way.
• Children are sometimes scarred for life with issues of lack of trust, insecurity and fear of relationships of any kind.
• Counseling will most likely be a necessity.

Recognizing all of this, an abusive relationship is a legitimate reason to break up a family.  Abuse is not a God-sanctioned reason to stay. Abuse, both physical and mental, is more destructive and dangerous than “saving a marriage that isn’t.”

 

 Give us your opinion, please.

 

Even A Caribbean Cruise Could Not Erace The Support Group Mentality

Hi All,

Just got back from a Caribbean Cruise given to me by one of my sons and daughter-in-law. What an adventure! The ocean there really is as blue as the pictures show. It makes one wonder why the waters elsewhere are not as clear and beautiful as there. I also was able to go to a butterfly farm on St Maartin Island.  I learned that butterflies  are disappearing and how important to our food supply that they are. I plan to start a butterfly-friendly garden. If you are interested in this endeavor, go to: www.thebutterflyfarm.com you will be informed as to how to help the environment by attracting butterflies to your own flower garden. 

I did learn a disappointing fact though. There truly are the haves and the have-nots there. Some natives live in sad looking homes, while up on the hills, the mansions and beautiful homes sit, quite a distance from the poorer inhabitants. I suspect that once one gets to the island expecting to be rich and happy forever, they soon learn that if their dream is not accomplished, and they do not make a great deal of money, they will just have to stay on the island. It is too expensive to leave.

I suppose that is a fact in any city, but it kind of burst my naieve bubble that all of the islands were enchanted visions of happiness and everyday joy.

Sorta reminds one of some marriages. The dream is that marriage is forever and life will be a dream of happiness that goes on and on.  NOT!

I was gone for a little over a week. I had shut down my Support Group, hopefully until August as I needed a rest, but when I returned, my answering machine was full of cries for help. I pondered not answering them, but my conscience would not let me.  I called each one back and told them we would have a meeting on the upcoming Sunday. Memories of the pain, fears and hopelessness I had felt when I divorced my first husband, danced around in my head. I just could not ignore these people.

It is not that I have some magic bullet for hurting individuals, but just having someone hear your story and care that you are suffering, can be the difference in feeling hope and going into a funk of dispair. I remember that feeling after 33 years.  I am still grateful to the people who listened to me and gave a whit for my pain. They were the difference in my knowing it would be better if I just held on to my sanity.... So I give back.

Anyone reading this should know that a Support Group is essential to your healing. If you can't afford counseling, a Support Group is the next best thing and could bring peace and maybe new friends when you seem to have no friends. If you can't find a physical group, go on the net and search for a group or a site where you can sound off and get a response.

If you had married friends, divorce seems to remove them, eventually, not because they are heartless and mean, but they do not and cannot understand your grief.  They can't possibly relate to your new found problems. Some may become tired of your negativity and just cannot handle it, and they should not be expected to.

Well as soon as I can retrain my vacation-minded mentality, I will be putting up new articles. Don't give up on me.

Hang in there, Grandma Pat loves you.

.

AVOID ANOTHER DIVORCE, LEARN ABOUT THE ART OF CONVERSATION

One of my favorite quotes from Socrates is: "By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."  (This could be translated for both wives and husbands.)

What a wise man, that Socrates.

Do you know any divorced people who can give you a mouthful of sage advice?  I know lots. And the reason for that is that life is about lessons. If we all knew everything before we got into trouble, we wouldn't get into trouble, most of us, that is.

We, all of us, stumble and fall and usually get up again to try once more to do it right the next time. The trouble is that sometimes when we fall it could be down a step or down a mountain side. Each situation has its own results. Falling down the divorce slipery slope is one eventful fall. Whether we recover is usually up to our own abilities and self-esteem.

Communication and self-esteem

Self-esteem, we all talk about it but most never think it applies to us as individuals. And yet, without a healthy opinion about one's own image and abilities can be the deciding factor of whether we succeed or fail in our daily life with other people.  A low self-esteem could be the cause of most of our personal problems. It could even be a deciding factor of whether we succeed in our marriage or fail.

So, what am I saying here, if we go around bragging about how great we are, we won't fail at anything?  Absolutely not!  That attitude could even get one fired or break a friendship or a marriage bond. 

A healthy self-image says that I like who I am and I accept others as they are and know that their opinion of theirself has nothing to do with me. I do not try to impress others just so they will like me.  That is not necessary to my survival. I do what I know is right and assume others will also. I speak the truth in a gentle unassuming way, but not as a freight train to run over others so they will listen to me. I accept that I am not a perfect human being, but, I am still trying to be the best I can be. Hopefully others will be doing the same.Apologizing does not diminish me one iota. It says I am human.

We do not live in a perfect world so the reality is that some will not like me and that's OK as long as I am not ashamed of who and what I am.

Ideally, when two people marry, they assume that both partners are of the same ilk. It is when one partner believes it is time to FIX the other one, to make them into a little clone of themselves, that the big T for trouble begins.

No one wants to be judged as substandard goods.  Sure, it is not stated in words, that you are different from me so I need to fix you, but the implication is that ..."Let me show you how to be, or do, or think." Thus, chipping away at the self-image of the other partner. Here's where truth comes in. The Art of Communication must be learned in order for two people to exist in the same space for any length of time, whether it is a room mate or spouse.

Self-confidence and truth are necessary

What is communication?... I talk, you listen, or we both talk but, no one is really listening to the other.  Communication is a two way relationship. You talk, I listen, then I talk and you listen, two and fro, back and forth. If I don't understand what you mean by what I just heard, I ask you to explain what you meant. Did I misunderstand your meaning?  Making assumptions instead of asking for clairification, can get folks into trouble, causes arguements or concealed anger in the heart of the person who assumed they understood what they thought they heard. That particular point, is a lack of communication.

You may think I am being redundant.  Well I am being a little persistant in getting my point across.  The party carrying the resentment in their chest nurses it until everytime another subject comes up that relates the last arguement, or misunderstanding, the resentment builds a little stronger. Instead of saying, "Let's talk." the ears close, the chest hurts, the resentment bubbles and a door is slammed, muffling a few unmentionable words and silence prevails in the household.

Now that is communication of the worse kind and it is not dealing with truth. Would you know how to fix this one?

After years of this type of disasterous, communication or lack thereof, eventual divorce is peering around the corner. "You don't understand me," "You never loved me," "Why are we married," "I am not happy," " I need a divorce!"

After years of this type of disastrous, communication or lack thereof, that eventual divorce is peering around the corner. "You don't understand me," "You never loved me," "Why are we married," "I am not happy," " I need a divorce!"   Another marriage bites the dust!

Am I saying that a lack of communication is the whole reason for divorces?  No, but think of how many marriages would have a different result if folks would just learn how to communicate with each other All one need do is listen, ask if there is misunderstanding and respect, not only yourself, but your partner.

Wouldn't it be a shame if you and your spouse could have saved your marriage if you only took the time to communicate?

 

ENDING THE MARRIAGE, WHEN YOU'RE THE PARTY WHO CHOOSES DIVORCE, WHAT ABOUT THE GUILT?

When YOU choose to leave your spouse and divorce, how do you get over the pain?

Bet most do not think that one goes through pain when they are the one who leaves.  Even though most people will not talk about that little issue, some really do have doubts, fears and pain, from a choice to leave their spouse.

The usual response from an outsider is, "How could you end your marriage?"

That is a loaded question, one that must be considered case by case.

In choosing to leave his marriage, James anguished over the decision. He was not in another relationship or even thinking of one.

For as long as he had known his spouse, she had experienced severe, emotional issues, but refused to admit that she needed treatment. Because of his beliefs in the sanctity of marriage, he bit his lip, covered his pain and fears and limped on in his "marriage that wasn't" for fifteen years.

Three trial separations, served only to give a reprieve for him to breathe in peace and for her, a time to consider what she would lose if she continued to be abusive in words and actions. Her response was to plead for him to come home and a promise to change.

Each time he relented. A period of semi-peace would prevail, then "normalcy" returned; a "normalcy" that was not normal for the average person.

When the emotional turmoil began to take a toll on his health, he made the hard decision to remove himself from the site of his sickness. He worked on improving his physical condition, then made the final decision to leave the marriage.

Re-establishing a home away from the source of his pain, brought some comfort in one way, but in another a new source of discomfort began. He went through an intense examination of conscience. Doubts hung around his sub-conscious. Questions like:

• · Did I do the right thing?
• · Was I at fault, as she implied? Counseling did not work, because she would not continue.
• · Will people believe me when I tell them why? She can be so dramatically convincing and sweet when she puts her mind to it.
• · Will she be all right?
• · I did not know I would be this lonely. Did I make a mistake?
• · Where do I go from here, alone?
• How do I make a new life for myself?

He suspected that staying could have turned into a physical danger to him. He expected nothing would change just by his staying, the past had proven that. In his gut he was sure their failing marriage was not his fault, as she had said. Staying would only facilitate her weakness. She had to face her own realities. He could not do that for her. Destroying his personal things with an ax, spoke of danger, he knew that. Would he be the next object of her anger? At this point, he was ready to give up everything that they had accumulated in their fifteen years. Nothing material was of value anymore, only peace of mind mattered.On the outside looking in, one may have never seen the signs, never knew the fear or dangers that lurked in this marriage. Making judgments is a human response, but perhaps a sign of our own failing humanity.

People like James are to be approached with gentleness and caring, not dishonor. Listening before speaking with reproach, is a gift. Offering friendship and understanding is the preferred response to finger-pointing.

What were Jesus' words... "Judge not lest ye be judge!"

James in his search for peace has moved on to doing good for others without a need to be replenished. He wants to do what is right in the eyes of his God. His professed feelings of guilt only go to show that his heart is pure, that he has feelings for a person who has done harm to him both physically and mentally, yet he is willing to consider her welfare and not hold malice towards her.

He just cannot abide with her in the same space. And he does not.

 

 

Something New

If you are an "in a rush divorced parent," or even if you're not, there is something new on this site, Odiogo.  If you notice the Listen Now link, you may listen to the posts listed here, instead of reading them. What a time saver!

SOME DON’TS FOR DIVORCING PARENTS

By Patricia Hubbard

When in the throws of a bitter divorce, we sometimes pile our feelings on our children.  This is not good for you or your children. Remember that your children are suffering too. Their whole life is being changed.  If there has been a move, changes occur, not only in the home environment but, the school, the neighborhood, their friends and the normal daily routine.  Sometimes they are severed from their other parent completely. There is a certain comfort in familiarity and that has disappeared for them. Remember, your children are not getting the divorce, you are!

Children suffer loss. They grieve the loss of the presence of the other parent, even if they can’t express what it is that they feel.  They may begin to misbehave in school or grades may falter, which is not the norm for them.  Along with that failure comes a drop in self-image, a loss of confidence.  Some become whiny or cry at most inappropriate times.  They show a sense of hopelessness.  If your child is showing these symptoms, it is most necessary that you find a support group or some form of counseling for them to vent their pain.  If they can’t or won’t talk to you about it, suggest a school counselor or other trusted adult to open up to.  The emotional bleeding must occur, better sooner than later.

Children and Divorce

There is much to say about Divorce Recovery. After 12 years of working with those who have struggled to recover from the fallout of divorce, I have much to say.  Ideally, I will write about your questions, but if you don't ask, I will share whatever I feel is appropriate. I hope you will feel free to ask what is boiling in your gut. Only then will you be able to move on to a  happier life.

Know that when I speak, I speak from experience, 19 years of an unhappy marriage and eventual divorce and then a marriage to a wonderful husband who died after 15 years, gives me much experience in the emotional, mental and physical ramifications of loving and having lost.

After a recent Support Group topic urged me to write the following. Hope it is  helpful to you.

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

By Patricia Hubbard

Anne had had it with her philandering husband.  The continued, infidelity was more insult than she could bear. Forgiveness had lost its luster. He was not going to change his ways, he expected to continue this behavior and still have the benefits of marriage.  She had had enough! She ended the rather loud argument with by stating, “So maybe we should just get a divorce?”

He did not answer immediately. Was he considering it or was he shocked that she asked the dreaded question? She didn’t know. Right now, she didn’t even care!

He just sat on the bed, half dressed, not saying a word.  In exasperation, she stomped out of the bedroom.

Anne knew nothing would be resolved, as usual.

She headed towards the kitchen to finish cleaning up the dessert, dishes. Hand washing dishes was relaxing to her.  Perhaps, she could focus while doing a mindless task. Maybe she would settle her rattled nerves and figure out what to do next.

As she walked down the hallway and peered into the rooms of her 4 children, all seemed well, but when she reached her middle son’s room, she heard a strange noise. He should have been sound asleep by now. She leaned inside the door to hear loud sobs.

Easing her body onto his bed, she asked, “What’s wrong son?”

Jerry could hardly speak for the terrible pain erupting from his small ten year old, body. “It’s my fault,” he sobbed.

Welcome!

If you came here from butterflyintonewlife.com, welcome! if not welcome anyway.

As I have been having problems with that site, I will be doing most of my bogging here. I love the look of that site, but can't seem to have a personal contact with the gurus there, so I am moving.

I am still trying to settle into my new home, so please be patient with me.

My plan is to be posting some articles on children and divorce, along with my usual divorce and widowed issues.

If you have any requests please let me hear from you.

More tomorrow.

MEN SUFFER LOSS AND PAIN, TOO WHEN THEY LOSE A LOVER!

After working the Divorced and Widowed Support Field for 12 years, most of my clients have been women. There have been approximately, one third, of brave men who ventured into the minefield of expressing their pain and anger publicly. Men suffer too, when they lose a lover.

I have great respect for these gentlemen.

DEATH OF A LOVE, DIVORCE LURKING, WHAT NEXT?

A man is walking along the beach, finds a bottle and uncorks it. A genie flies out and says, “I will grant you three wishes.

“Great!” says the man. “I know exactly what I want. First, I want a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Poof! The genie hands him a piece of paper with his account information on it.

“Super! Second, I want a brand new red Porsche.”

Poof! There’s a brand new car with the keys in the ignition.

The man says, “Wonderful! Finally…I want to be irresistible to women!”

Poof! There is a flash of light, and he turns into a big box of chocolates!!

Sometimes we enter into marriage in much the same way as our fiend who placed his hopes in the Genie, without defined desires and directions. We are in a fantasy state of mind. We think we are making ourselves clear in our needs and expectations and assume the other person is walking hand in hand in our dream. Perhaps, they are in a fantasy world also, but their expectations can be 180 degrees in the other direction.

The dream becomes a nightmare.

Approximately 52% of marriages today end in this way. What is it we are doing wrong? Are we closing our eyes to the realities that we just do not want to accept? Are we going into marriage with the hope that we can “change” the other person? Do we believe some “magic” will create that which we truly desire?

Fairy tale marriages are just that! Fairy tales! A healthy marriage is composed of two people who are attracted to one another, care deeply about each other and desire to be in each other’s life every day, so they decide to conjoin for life. Sound simple? NOT1

Marriage is hard work! It is daily, consistent striving to remain together, It is forgiveness for little non-essential mistakes or irritations and sometimes, big mistakes. It’s understanding when things go wrong and appreciation when things are going right. It is accepting the other person for who they are and not trying to make them into something they are not or cannot be. Marriage is being truthful and faithful not only to the other person, but to our self. It is common goals, hopes and dreams.

One might say, “But I was all this and my marriage failed. Why?” From a religious perspective in Matthew, Chapter 19, Verse 4 Jesus’ words explain that when man and woman decide to be together in marriage… “God created man and woman and that man should leave his father and mother, and be forever united to his wife. The two shall become one—no longer two.”

A dictionary definition of marriage is: “an intimate or close union, the mutual relation of a husband and wife, whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family.” The key words here are: “become one,” “united,” “intimae,” “joined,” and “mutual.”

The ironic question for divorced or separated folks is how can we live any one of the prerequisites if only one of us is trying to be joined, intimate, mutual or united? The answer is, we can’t!

In the ideal situation, if when the road became bumpy or even rocky, we’ve tried to come together, discussed, compromised, got counseling, tried changes, prayed, pleaded, all of these and still could not glue the marital bonds back together, and going our separate ways was the only way, that could be accepted.

It takes two to tango When in some cases one partner will not participate in any of the above and just leaves, there is no choice. Are we responsible for another’s choices? How can we be? We can only be responsible for our own life choices and the life we live. We cannot be the mind and heart of another person, nor are we expected to.

Beginning our survival of a broken dream is recognition of the realities that existed and the fantasies. Being honest with our self about our part in the dreams crash-landing, is first and foremost. If we can’t mend that part, we must accept the reality and move on.

Whose guilt is it anyway? Allowing guilt to weigh us down is disastrous. We must learn to forgive ourselves as well as our partner. If Jesus could forgive being nailed to the cross, who are we not to forgive? However, trying to forgive a person who was a part of our self is not easy and gets mixed up with who we are.

The guilt seems to be emerging from our very self, even though our partner could be the unfaithful one. True “marriage” of two human beings causes a oneness that is hard to separate. The feeling of inadequacy seems to mesh with our own identity. Our self-image takes a beating. We have to begin working mentally and physically to make a new “me.” Self-reliance has to be restored.

Learning to love our self, even if our “lover” didn’t.

The next step is to learn how to love our self. Assess those parts of our body, mind and spirit that we are satisfied with and those which we perceive need a little effort. Working on them gives us new goals and a new direction, HOPE.

This is a taste of my style of writing. After 12 years of leading a Support group for people who are separated, divorced or widowed, I have heard it all. I would like to establish a chatting relationship with those who stop by to visit. If you have questions or suggestions or comments, please let me hear from you. ASK PAT!